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Today did not go smoothly. I’m pretty hopeless at life when I’m hungry and tired. Today was no exception.

Wake up, check date, pack up, strip bed, put bags in locker, check out of hostel. Simple. The hostel receptionist, however, struggled with that last bit. He struck me as a character better suited to selling mobile phones – hopefully you can better picture the dude. There was payment confusion and check out confusion. While he unconfused himself, I went to grab myself a flat white (apparently invented here in Melbourne).

One sip into my coffee and oh. The date on my phone doesn’t match the date on my watch. Oh dear. I’m trying to check out a day early. It was impossible not to look like an utter moron as I went back to the guy to explain. Damn.

Keen to get myself out of the hostel immediately, I found a free walking tour around 2.5miles from where I’m staying and headed out.

System goes: check google maps, read sign stating ‘free city tram zone’, board tram. Again; simple.

Two stops in, I realise I may need a ‘Myki’ card to use trams. I hop off and a bunch of no sense of humour policeman and train officer people robustly confirm. They said my excuses for not paying could be decided in court.

It took me 15 buttock clenching minutes before I managed to talk my way out of that. Damn. Uber was the saviour in the end.

Here is some of the walking tour pics:

As a bonus, our guide mentioned about the Penguins which nest in the rocks after sunset in St Kilda at this time of year. So cute!!

Thankfully I was accompanied by my new walking tour buddy Sarah. Beer and pointing at penguins improved my day dramatically.

🐧

A morning of beach yoga. An afternoon of surfing. An evening of Mexican food. I won’t have it said that they don’t all go perfectly together.

My new yoga/surfing pal and I decided the beach walk would be the perfect way to get back to the hostel. Perhaps not.

We had around 1.5 miles to walk with no real way to get off the beach other than to go backwards. This was the only time I’ve ever been scared by a thunderstorm. It was not exactly an ideal place to be. Didn’t feel very Bear Grylls. We ended up hot footing it.

Hostel looked like it was going to flood at one stage!

A smattering of miscellaneous.

This, amusingly enough, is how I paid for my Cape Tribulation tour; in a lay-by. This guy even had a card machine. My fellow minibus passengers literally fell about laughing.

‘Fancy a walk?’, says my bunk buddy, Fiona, the other morning. ‘Sure’, I said, I could use a walk. Good to see the pretty gardens in Cairns too. 18km and one ginormous lizard later, this is all I have to show for it.

Horahhh!!!

Swooping birds. Brilliant.

The British can’t name things for toffee. In 2016, the public voted to name the lead ‘autosub’ operated by the British Antarctic Survey ‘Boaty McBoatface’.

In 1770, things were no different. Lt James Cook had a little bump with a reef. He later named this ‘Endeavour Reef’. Utterly exhausted from pumping the water from the ship, Cook landed on a beach. What did he call this? ‘Weary Bay’. What could the nearby mountain be called? ‘Mt Sorrow’.

So now; ship kinda repaired, Cook sets back off on his way, past ‘Hope Islands’ and up ‘Endeavour River’.

It’s an emotional name calling rollercoaster. If I find an island it’s totally being called ‘NeedaCuppa Island’.

Anyway, here is the Daintree rain forest.

A solid 9.5/10 for this spider’s camouflage.

These guys are peppermint insects. Their defence is apparently a nice minty spray. Bad smelling for insects. Probably pretty good for humans.

Teenager croc. Crocs eat crocs (including their young). This dude was just chilling further down the river away from the prime spots. Apparently he must wait until he’s a little bigger before he makes his mark in downtown croc land.

The Great Barrier Reef. It’s been on my bucket list for years. If I’m honest, my visit was tinged with slight disappointment. I was expecting bright colours, turtles, small sharks, starfish and maybe even the odd jellyfish to be afraid of.

Despite the utterly excellent tour with Passions of Paradise (not bad at $180Aus either), we didn’t really get any of that. No shortage of weird fish mind!

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzoyI7fN1aE&w=560&h=315]

The marine biologist on board did give us a great little info on this little fellow though.

He’s a sea cucumber. Let me spell them out.

1. His face is permanently face down in the sand. He feeds off fish poop all day long.
2. He looks like a poo
3. Because his face is in the sand, he breathes out of a hole at the rear.
4. Up to 15 fish can live in this hole.
5. He is able to rip out his liver and fire it when danger.

So to sum up:

• He eats poo.
• He looks like poo.
• He breathes out of his bum.
• Other fish live in his bum.
• The only way he can defend himself is to fire his own organs at pace.

Bad times.

Everything in Australia wants to kill you to death. It’s a fact. We already know this. If it isn’t stinging, biting, kicking or suffocating, it’s probably going to jump out in the road and kill you in a crash.

However. I found there is sixth way. Divebombing.

While explaining to me how I should escape from a hungry crocodile, an Aussie told me that cyclists attach cable ties to their head to protect from birds. I was convinced he was winding me up.

Turns out no. During a leisurely run around Canberra lake, a crow decided Divebombing me was the appropriate thing to do.

Stupid bad tempered wildlife.